Ep. 82: Green Room Etiquette - Be At Peace With Yourself On AND Off Stage

It’s such an interesting phenomenon, isn’t it? How we can be one person — confident, magnetic, unstoppable — when we’re on stage singing, and then feel like someone completely different the moment we step backstage.

I want to talk about that. Because this disconnect doesn’t just affect how we feel — it affects how we show up, how we perform, and how much joy we get from doing what we love. My goal? To help you move forward with integrity and peace of mind.

Life lately — and the beautiful buzz of the “-ber” months

If you’re a working singer, you know what that means. Fall festivals, holiday show auditions, gig requests pouring in... life is life-ing.

I recently did an encore of my cabaret for Hispanic Heritage Month, and that opened some exciting new doors. I just started rehearsals for a new original play, Nolan’s Wake, at the Zeider’s American Dream Theater in Virginia Beach — a theatre I’ve wanted to collaborate with for a long time because they champion new works.

And as if that weren’t enough, I also performed in a female singer-songwriter showcase (kind of a mini Lilith Fair!) curated by the amazing Cecilee Landefeld, aka Lavender Fire Music. Sharing the stage with powerhouse women always leaves me inspired — and it reminded me of one of my goals for the new year: to finally lean into releasing my own original music.

I’ve been writing for years, but haven’t yet published or recorded anything. That changes soon. I want to take you on that journey with me — through the stumbles and the wins.

The duality of who we are on and off stage

Something I’ve noticed — in my own life, with my clients inside our studio membership, and across all kinds of performance spaces — is this duality that exists in so many of us:

• The person who shows up on stage, and

• The person who exists backstage or off the mic.
  

It doesn’t matter the genre or setting. I’ve seen this in musical theatre, in pop gigs, even in church music. There’s often a big gap between the version of ourselves that performs and the version that exists when the spotlight fades.

And here’s the truth: if we don’t know who we are at our core, those spaces with negative or insecure energy can really mess with us. You’ll find yourself in rooms that test your peace, your professionalism, your identity — and that’s why inner work matters just as much as vocal work.

Because if you don’t have a grounded sense of who you are, it’s easy to slip into personas that aren’t truly you.

Why clarity about your artist identity matters

Think about artists like Lady Gaga. Her alter ego isn’t about hiding — it’s about artistic expression that sits on a foundation of knowing herself. If you’re feeling a disconnect between your “onstage” and “offstage” self, maybe it’s time to get more specific about who you really are as a person and as an artist.

And if you haven’t done that yet, I highly recommend going back to Episode 66: Why Do I Sing? — where I walk through exactly how to define your identity as a singer. Once you have that clarity, this is where you start practicing it.

When the green room turns toxic

Have you ever been in a green room or holding area and the vibe suddenly turns negative? People start gossiping, complaining, or tearing themselves (or others) apart. And maybe you find yourself joining in — not because you want to, but because it feels easier than staying quiet.

We’ve all been there. And later, we think, “Why did I do that? That’s not who I am.”

Here’s where knowing who you are comes in handy. When you’re grounded, you can stay neutral — or even help shift the energy without saying a word.

Sometimes it’s as simple as silence. Just a calm, neutral expression instead of engaging in the negativity. Trust me, those few seconds will feel so long and so uncomfortable — but it can completely shift the energy in the room.

If you do decide to respond, try curiosity instead of correction: “Hmm, what makes you feel that way?” That one simple question can make someone stop and think — and maybe even soften.

You’re not their therapist, but you are modeling integrity. And that matters, not only for the vibe in the room, but also for the reputation you want to establish as a professional performing artist (whether they pay you or not).

Protecting your energy = protecting your performance

If small talk or negativity drains you, it’s okay to step away. We sometimes forget that being “professional” doesn’t mean being endlessly available or social. It means doing your job with excellence — showing up prepared, kind, and grounded.

And that might mean saving your energy, your voice, or your peace of mind.

If removing yourself from a situation helps you perform at your best — do it!

People notice more than you think. In fact, I was hired for an event recently, and the organizer said, “You came highly recommended — not just for your voice, but because they thought you were incredibly professional."

That compliment hit different. Because “professional” isn’t about being rigid or emotionless — it’s about integrity. It’s showing up prepared, doing what you say you’ll do, and treating others (and yourself) with respect.

Making space to prepare well

If you’re saying yes to every gig or performance opportunity, make sure you’re also saying yes to the preparation that goes with it. That might mean blocking time in your schedule, saying no to other commitments, or giving yourself permission to rest.

I’m having to practice that myself right now. This play I’m rehearsing for has heavy emotional content, and it’s stretching me as an actor. So I’m intentionally creating space to study my lines, do the inner work, and prepare well — not just show up (there is no "winging it" - especially with the story content).

You’re growing more than you realize

If you notice that you’re walking into rehearsals or gigs with your shoulders back, your breath steady, and your mind clear — don’t overlook that. That’s growth.

It might still feel uncomfortable, but that’s what expanding confidence feels like. You’re embodying your worth more fully than before.

And when that voice of doubt creeps in — try this exercise Sophie Adickes showed us back in Ep. 80: Speak to yourself in second person. I'd say: “Yes, Melissa. You belong in this room. Yes, they offered you the part. Yes, you have what it takes.”

Try it. Say your own name out loud. It changes everything.

Final thoughts

So next time you feel that divide — between the confident performer and the self-doubting human — remember: both versions of you deserve compassion. You can hold integrity and joy. You can be grounded and bold.

And if you’re ready to go deeper into this kind of work — to build confidence, strategy, and self-trust as a performing singer — this is what we're doing inside the Passionate Performer Program. We're honoring our brains, our bodies, our voices, and our life experiences to craft a performance journey where we say YES to confident authenticity and NO to making ourselves small again.

You’ve got this, my friend. Show up with excellence, protect your peace, and perform with joy — both on and off stage.

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